Help keep this farm going
Last year Matthew and I cashed in all our retirement savings, sold everything that wasn’t bolted down, took on every side hustle imaginable, and put it all on black. We bet on this farm and we bet on this business.
Unfortunately, we’ve hit some setbacks. Truth be told, we’ve been dealing with one setback after another for over a year but everyone has problems so we’ve been quiet about ours. Except for we’re reaching a point where there may not be a goat dairy if we don’t start selling more cheese.
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Zac's Death Day
On a crisp Fall day, the maples ablaze with fire, and our hearts torn with hurt we buried the bestest boy there ever was.
We wept for the adventures we had and we wept for the adventures that would never be.
How many trails did we explore together? How many places did we deliver cheese to? How many goats were told they were in the wrong place and promptly moved? That dog gave a piece of himself to me every single day and now that he’s gone he’s taken a piece of my soul with him.
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Yogurt Month
This farm, this beautiful little space that we carved out rocks and thistle, is feeding our community—and feeding it well with pure and simple ingredients—goat milk from the girls living their best lives right here, on our farm. Our CSA has kept us motivated and inspired throughout the years—in fact at times it is all that has kept us going. Which is exactly why I have spent so many of these late yogurt nights in the dairy feeling not just grateful, but blessed. You see, we haven’t just been making food for customers…we’ve been making it for our friends. And as someone who is fluent in the love language of food, this, is very special indeed.
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My Best Light
But last night, under a dark and empty sky, I saw the dairy for everything it already is, not for everything it isn’t. Which is when it hit me. Most of the negative, unproductive emotions Matthew and I are having stem from a place of fear. Fear of failure sure, fear of bankruptcy definitely, but also, fear of waste.
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What Really Happened
Sometimes it’s not all about you. In fact, sometimes it may have nothing to do with you. It is a gift to show up for the people you love—supporting them in their challenges and sharing in their victories. It’s these moments that strengthen the fabric of family and our friendships…or in our case, friendships that have become family.
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Fear of loss is greater than the hope of gain.
How easy it would have been to keep plodding along the way we have been? Our barns (which are really just carports) work. Our feeders work. Our manure management and sacrifice pasture work. Everything “works,” emphasis on the air quotes. They are cobbled together in a way that is just biding time until the next big break. Like most first-generation farms, we solve problems for the short term—too cheap, too small.
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If not us, then who?
Within a 6 mile radius of our milk parlor you can find over 25 storage units. Huge concrete warehouses occupy miles of former forest just a stone’s throw away. In the short period of time I sat on my porch I heard the traffic of the freeway, the horn of the tug boat, the whistle of the railroad car, and the blast of the military base—the mark of humanity is heavy where we farm.
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Stupid, Rotten, Good Luck
The fact of the matter is, living…truly living…is a wild, dangerous, full-contact experience. When you challenge your body to do hard things you are constantly testing your limits. Every morning when we roll out of bed (how lucky we are to have a bed) we become susceptible to all the obstacles of the outside world. So many things can go wrong!
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Are we too busy to have horses?
Relying on an unachievable milestone to alleviate my stress is a fool’s errand, which I realized yesterday when I went and rode my horse. I had forgotten that horses are my stress relief. The second I opened that gate and put a halter around my horse, I felt it melt away. Absolutely nothing had been done on my to-do list, but I felt more calm and more focused than I had in weeks.
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